The Never Parent | Striking Your Children – An Instructional Manual

Okay, provocative title, if you’re actually looking for instructions on how to beat children you’ve come to the wrong place. This entry is about beating step-children.

Yeah… no, but in all seriousness, the other day I was taking a late night shower. When I left the bathroom wrapped in nothing but a towel, I entered the upstairs landing that sits between my bedroom and the bathroom, all the lights were out. Now,when I was a child, I went through a phase where I tried to scare people.  This phase seems to be prolonged if your parents aren’t easily startled.  It makes the task all the more challenging and therefore all the more rewarding when you succeed.

Well, in the middle of the night, Luke, my step son, jumps out of the darkness as I cross the landing yelling “ahhhhhhhh” at me. He got me! So good in fact that my instincts kicked in. Rest assured I didn’t hit him exactly. Oddly, my reaction was to push the alarming object flying at me away. Unfortunately as my hand shot out to push him away it caught him in the neck. He was hurt pretty bad, but he was too busy laughing about how good he had got me to cry about it. I admitted to him begrudgingly that he’d gotten me, but of course pointed out that I hoped he had “learned why you don’t jump out of the darkness at someone.”

The other day I got home, as I turned a corner the kid scared the crap out of me again. This time he jumped out of the darkness holding a pillow as a shield. Well, at least he learned something though right?